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[09 Jul 2009|02:41pm]
I died. White face. Black circles around my eyes.
Put in tons of ICU rooms. Trauma unit. Acute Care.
Memory gone.
Not feeling well.





<3 jess
3people on the floor|dead tonight.

[21 May 2009|12:50am]
i'm getting kicked out once again.
i dont have one ounce of hope left.
it's the end.




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[01 Apr 2009|01:50pm]
I royally fucked up my life.
So fucked.
close to death Friday. Got into a huge fight with my mom at the gym. she went through my bag (i should have suspected she'd do that. that mother fucker snooping bitch).
ran in front of a car. a few inches away from getting hit. a fucking few inches. five police come. an ambulance. i get released 2 hours later.
my boyfriend's parents are the best. i stayed with them for a few days. they drove me everywhere. they drove me to rehab.
mrs. mazur also drove me to the hospital because i was high.
i was shaking from anxiety.
i am still shaking.
now, the good things in my life are gone. they tell you this in rehab.
they were better parents and absolutely the best people i have ever met.
mrs. mazur bought me a stuffed animal.she was crying. she kept on telling me she loved me.
i never got love from my parents.
their son, kevin. can't talk to me. more shaking.
I lost the most important person because I chose drugs.
stupid fucking drugs stupid motherfucking drugs. i'm so stupid. why can't i just control anything.
just when i begin falling in love. just when he begins to fall in love, when he begins to trust me that i'm on the right path.
just when he tells me he's proud of me.
just when i was proud of me.
i fuck up.
god fucking damn it.
i'm such a fuck up.
i can't function. i can't cope.
my heart hurts.
i'm alone.
always alone in this desolate house.
i can't think of reasons to go on.
dead tonight.

[21 Feb 2009|12:40am]
Photobucket

Photobucket





<3 jess
dead tonight.

[21 Dec 2008|05:19pm]
Thinking of Jason a lot. I'm doing what he's doing. I wish it was me. He needs to be here. he needs his baby. he needs this.
I'm dying somehow.
Slowly... starve to show you my willpower.
or Die Fast... with a needle in my arm. (Who would have thought)
My future's not looking bright.
Parents called the cops on me again. Got lectured about how I'll be prostituting myself in months for drugs (so not true).
Anyway, it's hard to stop trying to numb myself and stop self-destructing when that's the only control I have over my life.

I'm waiting for a heart-attack, OD, blood loss, or bang, to happen to me. sorry.
I'm going to jump the walls and run.I wonder if they'll miss me. I won't miss them. The cemetery is my home.




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[06 Dec 2008|03:22am]
PIcked up by the cops again today.
Fourth time in the past week. I had my luggage, I had my computer. I had my pills.
I'm threatened by my parents. I have no where to go. I have no one who trusts me.
The cops are called constantly. My parents stole all my money. I can't drive. If i leave, I can't come back.
i am a fucking puppet.



<3 jess
dead tonight.

[03 Dec 2008|11:32am]
Hey my name is Jess
I'm a suicidal wreck
I'm living the past in which I try to forget
What's done is done and I'll try my best
The futures callin me to put my life to the test
and I know I have it in me to breathe a second more
but I can't plan on breathin seconds three and number four
I close my doors to my enemies and keep my hands in a tight fist
I'm getting sucked back with a power that I'm trying to resist
I know I have to succumb to to all this powerlessness crap
I gotta loosen up my fist and get the weight off my chest
and this is my true confession of this trouble girl that is left....me




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[06 Nov 2008|11:30pm]
Everything is getting more and more fucked up.
You would think things would be getting better after being in residential treatment. But no.
Everything is getting worse.
My boss called my mom and told her a rumor that he heard. I'm fucking 21 and my boss is telling on me? Something that he hasn't even talked to me about!
It's so fucked up.
Now, my mom is making me chose between going to live back home, or being cut off from the family.
So, I guess I'm going to be cut off from the family, be homeless, be nothing.
I already am nothing.
If I'm really going to lose everything tangible, there's nothing holding me back from ending it.

I don't have a single ounce in me to hold back.
goodbye.



<3 jess
dead tonight.

[12 Sep 2008|09:06pm]
Tracing the tracks of bad habits and the painful commandments; I let it get to me.
Suffering the addictions and seeing no difference and I'm trying to plead.
I'm silent, yet crying out loud, wanting someone but no one to see me.
I'm lost in the smoke of carefree living and the continuous opaque line in need.
I'll fight this shit alone like I do everyday. I can barely see a better future right in front of me.
I'll just wait and see what's left of me.
It's nothing.





<3 jess
dead tonight.

[20 Aug 2008|10:35am]
Another hospital visit.
Blue printed gown down to my shins.
Freezing cold room with a warmed up blanket devouring my body. I like it that way.
Waiting and waiting with a nurse in the room. Watching. Watching. Watching.me.
Protection.

They say it's for the best.
There's nothing left.





<3 jess
dead tonight.

[06 Aug 2008|07:46pm]
yet another fight with my dad. if i had a a dollar for every apology letter he wrote me, i'd be rich.

Photobucket




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[02 Aug 2008|07:57am]
The anxiety builds up no matter what
and
I need you here most
but you don't care.


Photobucket
forget it all.

Photobucket



<3 jess
dead tonight.

[31 Jul 2008|05:02am]
My mom isn't sure if I'm stable enough to go back to school in Arizona.
She's so easy to persuade.
Things suck, pretty much.
21 today. I don't know. Nothing special.
Same old.





<3 jess
dead tonight.

[28 Jun 2008|03:54pm]
I don't know how I'm going to make it.





<3 jess
dead tonight.

[25 Jun 2008|10:08am]
Things are getting bad again with the parents.
Concern, concern, concern.
They say "I'm diminishing" ---- I'm not.
I say, "Well, there's nothing you can do."
While Mom cries, she agrees. However Dad wants... NEEDS explanations.
Then he starts talking about my sexual behavior in which he knows nothing about. I make him immediately leave my room while he mumbles stupid shit/criticizing me like he always does. I make my mom leave soon after.
I cry alone while the person I need to talk to didn't answer the phone all day.
Concern, concern, concern.




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[18 Jun 2008|07:15pm]
I don't know why, but everyday is getting worse and worse. It really shouldn't. I'm getting comforted by the cutest, funny, intelligent, understanding, guy everyday. My parents are off my back. Work is going well. I'm climbing and trying to be active.
But
My insomnia is back... to its fullest.
My eating is all fucked up.
My twin brother won't even take time away from his girlfriend to see me.
I'm missing seeing one of my favorite musicians tonight because I have no one to go with and I spend 45 dollars for will call tickets thinking I had two people who would definitely go with me.
I'm needing substances... I hate this.
I hate this.
Crying everyday.
I hate this.





<3 jess
4people on the floor|dead tonight.

[31 May 2008|10:58pm]
Since being home, my parents have been making my life hell. Yes, they just care, yes they support me and care. But I can handle myself. I can take care of myself.
I'm breaking down by living here with them and I can't handle it anymore.
Hurting so bad. So bruised.
Bruised every bone. Rib. Torso.
Hospitalization? Not for what they want... but for me to not go crazy in this house.
Maybe. I don't know anymore.




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[21 May 2008|01:07pm]
What’s In a Name?

I got it from my parents.
It was what they had to give.
It is mine to cherish.
For as long as I may live.
I will guard it wisely.
A name that is spotless.
And brings happiness and fun!

Jessica



(I wrote this when I was 7 or so)




<3 jess
dead tonight.

[20 May 2008|12:38am]
I am starting the job early..not the camp section, but I'm working with in a team with professional therapists in an intensive outpatient group with some behavioral and mood disordered children. It's only a few days and hours a week, but I am so excited that they offered me the job. Most people in grad school hope for this position, and I'm I'm just a senior in college.

I'm ready for a change.
I cleaned out every desk, cabinet, box, storage unit closet in my room and threw away most clothes.
I took everything off my walls and painted it brown, the color I've been wanting to paint it for years. I've been tempted a few times to call some people for some fun and wasting a lot of money in a short amount of time, but I threw my phone away from myself.
It sucks being here...living with my parents...having them on my case about everything...having no friends...my twin brother not even being my friend (he said he would and now he's not).
It's a good feeling having my room finished and a new job though.
so maybe I don't need anything...
....
yeah right. hahah.



Kat had her and Jason's baby May 13th in the early early morning. Jaden. Well...his full name, after his father, Jason Daniel McKenna-Appelstein, but we call him Jaden.
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

I wish jay was here to hold him. He's the most beautiful baby. I love him to death. I got him a stuffed monkey..it's twice the size as jaden..it's so adorable.

that's that..i suppose.



<3 jess
dead tonight.

[09 May 2008|10:41pm]
I got the summer job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I doubted myself but everyone else didn't. They know I'm successful. I guess I just think I can always do better. It's a summer camp working with kids who suffer with behavioral and mood disorders such as ADD/ADHD, depression, anti-social, anxiety, autism, hard stuff like that. I'm going to gain so much experience working there it's going to be great. My resume turned out amazing if I do say so myself.
I wrote my developmental psych professor, who I have became pretty close with (considering it's a 70+ student course) this semester. I wrote him a really nice email yesterday and he wrote me the nicest email back.

"Hi Jess,
Thank you for your kind comments. I was very happy to do what little I could to help you out this semester. I knew that you were a very good student – and person – and I sensed that it might be a difficult semester for you. I enjoyed our talks, too, as one Jersey-ite to another. So do me a favor this summer, when you wake up each day, and go to bed each night, tell yourself one good thing about your day or yourself. It should be easy, you’ve got a lot of good things to choose from! I know you will be doing a lot of good for the kids this summer, and that they will be looking forward to seeing you each day. I hope you have a really great summer, and I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back!
All the best"


I read it to my mom and she cried.
I hope I work my way up and can help others the way they have helped me.




<3 jess
dead tonight.

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